Lots of times girls view their “first” as someone way beyond special, almost like a character in a romantic fairy tale. And while there’s a chance he’ll live up to those standards, the reality is that not all first sexual encounters equal permanent love connections and not all guys turn out to be princes. Sure, you and this dude definitely have a bond that will never be lost, but from what you’re saying it doesn’t sound like you two are headed for soulmate city.

His hold over you is superstrong, and he probably knows it. In any healthy relationship the “power” should be shared, but this guy is taking advantage of you—physically and emotionally. And the fact that you’re letting him may be because you aren’t feeling too hot about yourself right now (thinking he’s the best you can get was the giveaway there). You have an obligation to yourself to say “no” to being used by him. OK, so maybe this looks good on paper, but how can you muster the courage to do it in real life? Improving your self-respect, by doing stuff that you feel good about, is a start. Hang out more with close, supportive friends who make you proud to be you (no doubt, they’ve had a thing or two to say about your no-good guy—listen to them). Update your eyeshadow, get that sweater you’ve been craving, master a sport, an instrument or your chemistry course.

Is it sex you feel he’s using you for—and you’re scared that once you cut him off he may not come around anymore? That’s an unfortunate possibility if this guy is as on-again, off-again as he sounds. But you’ve got to look yourself in the mirror and say, “I am worth more to a guy than the sex I can give him.” If your cool personality isn’t enough of an incentive for this guy, then he definitely needs to take a hike.

Besides, are you really sure you don’t want anyone else? You haven’t even looked at the whole menu! Drop the tunnel vision, and go out and meet other people—yes, guys. Once you see dudes falling at your feet, you’ll gain confidence and realize how nuts you were to think that your first boyfriend was the only guy on the planet for you.

Whether or not to stay with this guy is up to you. But if you decide to keep him, introduce him to the word “commitment,” and lay down some laws to prevent him from walking all over you. You deserve so much more than that.